Apology/Zero Gravity

Okay, I need to get some words out, because I've been feeling really weird, there's this weight clinging to my body, it's kind of like that feeling you get when you remove off-ship suit to go inside but for some reason it still feels like you're wearing it. Even writing this down feels weird, I would never say a sentence like that out loud. I guess that's the whole point of this blog, though, to help me work through this tangled mess of feelings, all this stuff that's jammed in with hearts and ribs and other bits and pieces. I hope this gets easier when I cross over into my second century. Anyway. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I fucked up, Rhys. I don't know why I assumed your love was a 'girl', that was real shit of me and I am sorry. I could try and blame it on the translation program, but you and I both know that a translation program is only as good as the information you put into it. Maybe I was projecting myself on to nem, because it seems like you both love each other a lot, and I thought it would be nice to imagine myself being loved that much. But that's not fair to you or nem, you have your own thing going and you're own pain and I shouldn't be trying to hijack that just to make myself feel better. I guess I'm just feeling a bit fried because while I was looking for information about X's sleeper in Sal's Records I found some video files. I know I should not have opened them but I did because what else does someone who feels pretty smashed up inside do? And of course seeing that face kissing all over Vern's face smashed me up a little more, and yes my hearts feel like they've been hurled outside and left to be crushed between two asteroids, until they are nothing but gross blue smears on the surface of some pretty space rock. Anyway. That doesn't excuse me from assuming nir pronouns. So I'm sorry. I will go back and change them but I thought I should make this clear first.

Anyway. While I was going through some of Sal's  video files, I found more scraps that I think you should see. I think they must be parts of a ship captain's video logs, but they're not like any ship log, or from any ship 
Anyway, there's a whole bunch of files, but it seems like Sal's only been able to open up two of them so far,  and I feel like there should definitely be more, that they're just two pieces of a much larger picture. And I'm still figuring out how to convert them into a format I can upload onto this blog (it's a fucking nightmare just so you know). But just in case you see this before I am able to upload it, I have transcribed the text. I'll see if I can get some audio up, but if not, I guess I'll just make some of my own, probably like last time, except perhaps a bit less abstract. It was strange, actually, seeing your love's face, and hearing nir voice. I'd read those garden scraps over so many times I thought I knew what nir voice would sound like. Projecting again, I guess.

Anyway, they go like this:

[Your love (?) puts on nir space helmet]

You know what all those books and movies and video games about space don't tell you? How great it is to masturbate at zero gravity. Lately I've been try and make it so that when I come, I've rotated exactly 180 degrees and am perfectly upside down. It's harder than you think, but I'm doing a pretty good job practising. Fuck, they had pretty eyes. And at least masturbating distracts me from the fact that the closer I get to where Earth should be, the more debris we seem to be flying into.

[Your love (?) wipes  tears into nir cheeks]

Maybe they are in space now, too. They were always talking about it, about heading for one of the moons of Jupiter. Maybe I'll find them out here, somewhere hiding in amongst the stars, the way they used to hide underneath my bed sometimes, waiting for me. That’d be really great, because I need someone to share the rest of this bourbon with. I need to tell them how good having no gravity has been for my episodes, how I hardly ever have them anymore. I need ...

Maybe they're in that ship that I saw on the radar this morning. For a second I thought it might be earth, and I almost blacked out from relief. But it's too small to be a planet, and moving too quickly. They seem pretty close, but when I tried to make out the shape of it through the window, all I could see was space rocks and maybe bits of Earth.

What do you think, Rhys? Is this nem? And are you they?  I hope that if you did escape, you kept going past Jupiter's moons, and that you got somewhere that's actually kind of safe, that the ship that picked you up was a safe one. Also I am curious about what your eyes look like, given that they are enough to get your love off. Watching these videos squeezes my banged up heart a little, actually, not just because of your love's sore sounding voice when ne are speaking about you, but also because I guess this is before ne found out  what has happened to nir planet.

Anyway. If you know something  about Rhys, or  please get in contact with me at therhysfiles@gmail.com. Also, I tried the masturbation thing, and ne is right, it is fucking amazing.

I'll talk to you soon. I don't want to write anymore today.