Friday 10 March 2017

Filter

Hey Rhys. If you are reading this, it means that the encryption program that Sal helped me build is working. You'll notice if you go back over the posts that the stuff I've written for you is all in green now. She says it's unlikely that anyone would bother looking through a first century (I guess you'd call me a teenager?)'s blog, but she's managed to scramble it so that for anyone logging on from a Government terminal should only be able to see the personal parts, like the stuff about X. She says I have to be more careful, that I should put more stuff about X, that I should write more about my feelings. I'm not super keen on that, but we'll see how we go. She wants me to change the name too, but I don't think I will. 

Sal found out I'd been going through her records, looking for X. That's why it's been such a long time since I posted something on here. That's a lie, I had to wait until Sal had finished building me the program, she wouldn't let me back on to my terminal until she was sure it'd work. I thought I'd been so careful. I made sure not to leave any clues that I'd been through, to make sure  that after I was done I went in and scrubbed the code of any traces, any location tags or date stamps. But she found me. I should've known she would, like I'm good at hacking stuff, but she was the one who taught me.

 Sal got madder than I thought she would. Like she'd been mad all that week about something, but this just made it worse, like, so much worse. I don't think I'd ever seen her that mad. Like teeth-crunching eye changing colour mad. It's actually pretty hard to write this sentence because I have to think about it and even though it's been so long it still makes the space around my hearts feel hot and cold at the same time.


I ended up having to tell her about you, Rhys. She said I should've told her. I told her that I know I should've, that I had wanted to but also I was worried she might make me stop. Sal asked why, and I said I was worried that she might think I was being stupid, that I was wasting my time. That I was seeing things that weren't there.  The general rule on this particular ship is to not take the thoughts and feelings of first centuries very seriously. They go on and on about how their hearts aren't developed enough yet and their minds are soaked through with too many emotions. Sal says that's bullshit, and I agree with her, but it's easy for that stuff to get into your head.  This made me think of X then, and I started to cry, which made Sal calm down a bit.


She said she would help me. She said this isn't stupid, that I might be on to something. I don't know why I didn't tell her in the first place. She said the music was a good idea, she seemed pretty impressed, actually. She said that no one high up would be smart enough to pay attention to what's hidden between the notes made by a first century. She seemed to get why I cared, and I didn't even have to tell her.  I don't even think I could explain it to her, if she'd wanted me to. But that's the thing I like about Sal the most, I think. She takes my feelings seriously. 


Sal says I'd make a good archivist because I like collecting things, and that I have a good eye for weird details, things that others might miss, or dismiss as throwaway thoughts or excess feelings. Those details give us clues, she says, it's like a secret code hidden beneath the skins of all these conversations. She says that a really good archivist has to go through all the stuff that's been said and figure out the important things that haven't been, things hiding in the pictures and the songs and even the spaces in between words, at the end of unfinished sentences.


I'm not sure that I'd want to be an archivist though. I mean, I love doing this work, but I feel like if I did it for a job, I'd start to resent it after a while, it'd become work work, you know? For a job, I'd really like to be a Botanical Engineer. I don't know if that's a thing where you come from, Rhys, I suppose it's kind of like a gardener except a lot more technical, you essentially have to build plants from scratch. Most engineers work in Fuel Development, trying to breed the most mitochondria rich plants in order to find the most efficient fuel sources for our ships. But I'd like to go into medicine, I think. We are a plant based people, and what you might read as herbal medicine, or even witchcraft, can be life saving to us. Our hospitals and power plants might look similar to what you'd call gardens, I guess. I've read that you used to use plants and other matter that'd been dead for thousands and thousands of years to power your cities and transport, at least until you ran out. Sorry but it just doesn't make any sense, to rely so heavily on only one fuel source that can't be replaced. 

Oh, there is some good news, though. I think I'm finally starting to get over X. I keep thinking about how my feelings have changed. Like when I first saw him I was like all feathery inside, and then it transformed into this warm true love thing, all dripping through me. I think he had to break my heart because if he hadn't it would've just felt the way it had before he broke it, forever and ever, and that would've started to get dull after a while. And I don't want to be dull, Rhys. If I were dull, I wouldn't be able to read the scraps the way I can now. There was this intense pain that almost matched the joy but now it's starting to fade, it's become kind of soft, kind of more thinly spread, and kind of nice. It's like he gave me this new filter to see and feel things through. I wake up each day and I feel good about not being in nearly as much pain as I was the day before.


Anyway, I haven't had much time to look for more things, this new way Sal is making me do things is real slow, and I have tests coming up. But I'm not going to stop, Rhys. I promise.